lilacwine

No man is an island

2005-12-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

But wouldn't it be nice, once in a while, to feel like a perfectly content island floating somewhere in the south pacific? I mean think of all the beautiful sunshine and aquamarine delight. Seriously though, couldn't we just feel free enough to welcome visitors but not really rely on their lingering presence? I really think that's the key. I don't think you can completely enjoy other people in your life until you'r e content enough with yourself as an island first.

The Gap

2005-11-27T00:48:00.000-08:00

Why is it that everyone else living on the planet seems to be living in this dimension that I can't seem to figure out. It's this dimension of multiple friendships. And it's so comfortable for them. And it's probably a lot better in the long run, but when I try to do it, it ends up feeling like an emotional juggling act. I have a tendency, and always have, of gravitating towards one best friend that is supposed to stand in as this "be all" for me. Usually at first they're really cool with it. But I think everyone reaches this burn-out point... including me. And then I start to think about how this "one true friend" is really just filling the ever-widening-void that has "MARRIAGE" written all over it. What's it gonna take? That's what I wanna know. How refined does one need to be?

One of the Seven Deadly Sins

2005-11-17T12:04:00.000-08:00

I don't really know what happened to me yesterday... but I was like this eating machine. I kept eating and eating and it might have been o.k. if I had eaten things that were'nt so bad for me like tons of dairy that my stomach isn't quite capable of digesting and chocolate and spicy mexican food and ect. ect. So I went to bed at the end this bing-filled day and woke up at 4:45 with an agonizing stomach ache and didn't get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I felt like a little fat kid again. Weir, I never do that! I don't really even like eating that much. But I was unstoppable!

Being a DOER

2005-11-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

I've got lots of thougths or ideas of what I could be when I grow up. The trouble is that I'm already grown up....no matter how "young" I look. So what's it gonna be: A children's book illustrator? A shcool teacher? An Art Professor? A Yoga Instructor? A waitress? A nuthouse resident? All of the above? Should I conduct a poll?

Self-expression

2005-11-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

Blogging is a curious sport in my mind. I started this thing cause I thought it was really cool. I still do. But I find myself much too discretionary to post as much as I could. I'm an artist. Artists are by nature not used to spelling everything out in public setting. So I've decided to go about this blog in a much different way. This way I will post a lot more and not aggravate my dear friend Chris as much.

Posts will be very short. So short that if one wants to interregate they will have to consult your's truly by way of comments and I will then expound. I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just not ready to spill my inner workings onto the internet. I'm used to doing that one on one.

So here it goes: "Theory and practice are ruining me" a line from a Jason Anderson song which I keep finding running through my head lately. Probably because I feel that statement in my bones right now. Anyway, I think it's a statement that could mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For me it's a specific reason. But I'll leave that to future possible conversations.

Post impressionism

2005-10-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

I think that in general we change as people in a gradual kind of way. But have you ever caught yourself doing it? I've kind of felt that way lately. I have a tendency to get caught up in my environment. Sometimes too much. But people, ideas, landscape, weather... it all effects me and I find myself adapting slowly to it. I'm noticing little things lately, like my changing wardrobe. I used to be fascinated and excited by really vibrant color. I think it had a lot to do with my old friend Ashley and adapting to her and her family and their artsy house with all of its wacky color. That friendship has slowly slipped out of my life recently and I find that I'm adapting to new people and new ideas and such. I gravitate towards darker colors again and new music and new feelings and likes and wants etc., etc....... I actually like it. It's kind of nice to shed old skin once in a while and watch as the new layer forms. Like reinventing yourself.

I think this time I'd like to figure out how to define myself a little more independently.... whatever that means or entails I'm not really sure. I wish I wasn't such an impressionable girl.

2005-10-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

vivian

I CAN'T drive....

2005-09-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

There's really no question in my mind, after today, about how I will die. It will most definitely be in a car accident caused by none other that yours truly. I can't seem to shake my bad driving habits. Going through red lights, driving on the wrong side of the road, backing into parked cars, almost completely ripping the nose of my car, and the latest: hitting a median and totally blowing out my tire. Yeah... right before I was supposed to be at the first day of my drawing class (as the teacher). So needless to say I was 30 min. late. Not the best impression to leave. And ofcourse I had to explain the little accident.

It's like I have these driving crisis and get shaken up and think to myself: "O.k. this is gonna be it. I've got to be more careful" but time passes by and it all wears away and I'm back to my old scatterbrained ruthless self running into old ladies and unsuspecting pedestrians (o.k., i made that last part up...but hell, how far off am I from that right now?)

My Antonia

2005-09-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

I just started to re-read this great book by Willa Cather called My Antonia. I read it for the first time when I was 18. I had forgotten a lot about it. I just encountered this great passage and remembered that I had liked it the first time I read it too.

"I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun or air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep."

I think there have been a few great moments like that for me. It seems like real happiness is somehow always associated with kind of forgetting yourself and being drawn into something bigger.

church smurch

2005-09-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

So, because of this cold/sinus infection that i can't seem to get rid of, I haven't gone to church a lot lately. Today I went and found that I really wasn't feeling that well still. So I thought to myself: "Self, you should probably stay since you havent really gone for the last two times." But then my "self" said: "It's so boring and do I really have the patience for these old single people today, seeing that I'm sick and all?" Needless to say all it took was a little persuading and right after sacrament meeting I was on my way home. I have a bad attitude. It needs adjusting.